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March 04, 2002 woah, this blog is dying.. anyway.. i'm doing this song because it amuses me (and allison) very much, and because i said i was going to.. Suicide Bobby Gaylor Animals don’t have a choice If they’re not happy with their place in the world, too bad They have to live the life they’ve been given Humans, on the other hand, don’t have to We have a choice If you don’t like your place in the world, you can get off any time you want Suicide, that’s right You don’t like the way your life’s going, you don’t like the way you are in the world, anything around you, you can check out any time you like Animals aren’t allowed that thought And believe me, if they were, they would use it There’d be a lot of dogs and cats owned by assholes who live in high-rises diving out the windows Zebras, if they even had remotely that thought, would take a look at themselves and go “What the fuck? Black and white in a green and brown world… oh this blows. I’m just gonna jump in the river… I don’t have the thumbs to hold a gun or work a knife or even open a jar of pills. I’m just gonna dive into the next lion’s mouth. Why even bother?” Now monkeys have the opposable thumbs, so they could kinda do it the exact same way we do Now there’s a bunch of people that say, “Oh, it’s against the law” Well, it’s only against the law if you do a crappy job and get caught Other people say, “Oh, we should save them” Yeah well, you know what? Not everybody wants to be saved Not everybody should be saved And who are we to force our will upon them? I mean, isn’t that one of the joys about being a human? Freedom of choice? Now, it’s not all bad Now, I’m not saying, “Kill yourself” But if you’re gonna be an idiot and do it anyway, it’s no sweat off of my back There’s a lot of good that can come from it, with a little bit of bad thrown in Some of the things: a job will open, an apartment will become available There’ll be more air for me They say there’s two girls for every guy If you’re a man, there’ll four chicks for me There’ll be more Kettle 1 vodka for me There’ll be one less idiot in line at the bank who gets up to the window without their fucking slips filled out I won’t ever have to go to the store to buy my favorite salt-and-vinegar chips and have the clerk point at you and say, “They bought the last bag” You won’t help change the McDonald’s sign to “A hundred billion served” You’ll never gets AIDS You won’t have to worry about calories ever No more “Hey, does this make me look fat?” There’ll be one less polluting human You won’t have to recycle There’ll be one less car in the road There’ll more Ring-Dings for me Fifty or so chickens’ lives will be spared Your fingers won’t ever get red from eating pistachios You won’t be forced to visit your grandparents on Sundays anymore No more church You’ll be saying, “Hey world, kiss my ass!” No more wet dreams about supermodels No more Barry Manilow (well, for a few years, anyway) Wondering “Am I a loser?” will be a thing of the past Say goodbye to crappy Xmas presents from aunts and uncles You won’t have to suffer through a Motley Crew reunion And fuck flossing and brushing You’ll never lose sleep over a pregnancy scare Adios, acne Worrying whether you fit in or not won’t be on your brain See you later, homework You’ll never have to sit through another movie brought to you by the creators of “South Park” School’s out forever No more paying bills You won’t have to do chores You won’t be able to run over toads with the lawnmower, though You’ll also miss McDonald’s french fries, Bugs Bunny, the amazing, electrifying feeling that surges through your body when you kiss someone for the first time You won’t be able to watch the letterbox director’s cut of Jaws, candy, living aboveground, pudding crust You’ll miss the rush of getting your first apartment Getting to the point in your life when you can tell your parents to fuck off, I gotta make my own mistakes—you did You’ll miss sex—you’ll miss thinking about it, looking for it, sex by yourself, sex with a partner, sex with multiple partners No more summer nights that seem to go on forever, roller coasters, naming your kid the name you always wanted, making a difference in the world You’ll miss the experience and pleasure of hallucinogenics, watching your neighbor’s wife change clothes with her blinds open, a lifetime of masturbation, watching your favorite team sweep the series, music, you will definitely miss music, trying to sneak into your house drunk three hours past your curfew You’ll miss the blazing glory of the Fourth of July fireworks, the taste of Captain Crunch If you’re a boy, you’ll miss the feeling the first time you reach up a girl’s shirt If you’re a girl, the feeling the first time you reach down a boy’s pants You’ll miss your favorite coat, waffles with whipped cream and strawberries, beating your friends at videogames You won’t be around to see what shape and color the new marshmallow in Lucky Charms will be You’ll miss the feeling you’ll get when reminiscing about your first love thirty years after the fact, the joy of giving and receiving at Christmas, getting stoned, reading Green Eggs & Ham, and eating like a horse that got loose in the grain bin, flying cars Hey, you were born—finish what was started rating: *** commentary: anyway, so this is the suicide song. what happened was at ushicon they had these little ashtray things along the walls in the hallways, and you pushed a little button to let the ash go down to the bottom, and we were walking around pushing the buttons when we found this cd in one of the ashtrays labeled "anime mix". so we took it and listened to it, and it's really bizarre. it's got like slayers and saber marionette j songs, but also wild wild west (will smith), the bum-bum song (tom green), and.. this song. the suicide song. anyway, this is actually a cool song. at the beginning it's kinda weird cause he's talking about animal suicide but then he starts talking about all the good things in life and it really makes sense.. anyway.. that's the suicide song. sarah - 8:44:00 PM
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